[Week 9] Compare between Cyworld and Naver blog

Compare between Cyworld and Naver blog in terms of functions and features.


Cyworld and Naver blog both provide us personal wedsite. But they have different in many way. First, it costs money to decorate cyworld whereas it is free to get the skin and font at Naver blog. Even I can design skin by myself easily. But as you know, we have to buy skin, font, bgm, and other decoration. And even I bough this items, it has time limitation.
Second, Cyworld has small size of website whereas Naver blog has big size of site. Depending on personal preference, there sizes have their own strength ans weakness.
And Cyworld uses its users' names as its id, so users can not use bad words and serious critics. But Naver blog uses its users' nickname, so users can easily hurt by bad words and critics.
Forth, we can build more pleasant relation between classmates, co-worker, friends and so on through Cyworld, but we can by Naver blog. We don't meet off-line friends at Naver blog. Instead we meet new people, on-line friends, through it.
Finally, we can only get information about user's personal life, mainly their daily pictures, by Cyworld. It is not useful if the other user is not interested in user. But at Naver blog, users can get information about what users need and we can easliy share the information. The information is not about some guy's personal life, but real practical information!

[script] Friends 1-12 the Dozen Lasagnas

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]
Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)
Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)
Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)
Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group in living room)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross: (waves) Hello!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)
Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)
Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.
Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
Rachel: I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands...
Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)
Joey: Need a new table.
Chandler: You think?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]
Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.
Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...
Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
Carol: Do you want to know?
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan: Oh, hello Ross!
Ross: Susan...
Susan: So, so, did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?
Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol: Hello?
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!
Joey: How'd you get to that?
Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.
Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?
Joey: Yeah
Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why, are you moving out?
Chandler: I'm not moving out.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...
Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me?
Chandler: Aw, don't do that
[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.]
Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)
Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
(Paolo speaks Italian)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....
Monica: And Monica knows...
Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.
Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!
Joey: Or an uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
Ross: Hi Pheebs!
Rachel: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!
Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.
Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)
Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...
Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
Chandler: More coffee over here, please!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh!
Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)
Monica: Was it...?
Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
Guys: Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel: "Ooo," what?
Phoebe: Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross: The actress!
(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
Ross: Thanks Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.
Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]
Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)
Chandler: That's patio furniture!
Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!
Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?
Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something."
Chandler: You pick one.
Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!
Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!
Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.
Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies
Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Rachel: I guess you don't.
Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks stunned)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)
Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!
Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]
Phoebe: Are you okay?
Rachel: I need some milk.
Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!
Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe: Such a pig!
Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
Phoebe: ...like a...
Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?
Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...
Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Phoebe: The end.
Rachel: Oh, God...
Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]
Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)
Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.
Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]
Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Ross: (entering) How's it going?
Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!
Phoebe: Ooh!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.
Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.
Paolo: Grazie.
Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)
Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)
Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...
Monica: Oh, you're right.
Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: You all right?
Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...
Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!
Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe: You ok?
Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.
Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want
Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one.
Ross: (astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?
Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)
Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey: Wha-
Joey and Chandler: What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)
Ross: I'm having a son. Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]
Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)
Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!
Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
Chandler: Yeah, get out!
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.
Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?
Joey: Oh yeah!

[script] Friends 1-11 Mrs. Bing

[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks past them)
Guy: Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it!
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
Rachel: No way, forget it.
Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Ross: Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo: Bona sera.
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
All: Shhh.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...
All: Awww!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]
Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Monica: Waaay too special.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.
Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.
Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.
Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]
Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]
Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.
Ross: When?
Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.
Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Ross: Please.
Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...
Ross: Right.
Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well... not in the same way...
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell him?
Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
Ross: Oh...
Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?
Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?
Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.
Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
Ross: I know-
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
Ross: Chandler-
Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
Ross: Chandler-
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?
Ross: Joey-
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hello.
Monica: Hello.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No, you?
Phoebe: No, you?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)
You don't have to be awake to be my man,As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand.Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)
Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Monica: You look good!
Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Monica: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.
Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
Monica: I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!
Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: "See you around?"
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?"
Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now?
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"
Ross: Wow!
Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"
Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"
Joey: That makes more sense.
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole)
Ross: Whaddya see?
Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)
Chandler: Nice save.
(She walks down the hall)
Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.
Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.
(She leaves)
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You mean that?
Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.
Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
All: Nooo!

[script] Friends 1-10 the Monkey

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All: Oooh!
Monica: W-wait. What is that?
Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No, no, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]
Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica: So, how'd it go?
Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
All: Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
I made a man with eyes of coalAnd a smile so bewitchin',How was I supposed to knowThat my mom was dead in the kitchen?(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...My mother's ashesEven her eyelashesAre resting in a little yellow jar,And sometimes when it's breezy...
(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...I feel a little sneezyAnd now I- (abruptly stops)
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note!
David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought
Max: Daryl Hannah.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Max: Hard quality.
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)
Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
Monica: I think it's romantic.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
Monica: What?!
Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.
Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]
Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.
(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle)
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...
Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining something to Phoebe with the aid of a whiteboard.]
David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions.
Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
David: Yuh.
Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.
Phoebe: Sure.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.
David: Rrrreally.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.
David: ...Now? Now?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.
David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)
(They kiss, finally)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
Joey: Uh, four.
Ross: Four.
Rachel: Five.
Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?
Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who.
Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now.
Monica: What's the matter?
Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands...
Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
Ross: Really.
Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?
Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...
(Max runs in)
Max: Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?
Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.
Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Minsk?
Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.
Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.
Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?
Max: January first.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
Phoebe: Hello?
David: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here?
Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting!
Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going.
Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) Oh, why?
Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.
Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?
David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide.
Phoebe: Oh don't do that.
David: Please.
Phoebe: Oh no no.
David: No, but I'm asking-
Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-
David: No, but I can't-
Phoebe: It's your thing, and-
David: -make the decision-
Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.
David: Stay.
Phoebe: Stay.
(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)
David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]
Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh)
Chandler: You remember Janice.
Monica: Vividly.
(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hi.
Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.
Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.
Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?
(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
Ross: Par-tay!
Monica: That thing is not coming in here.
Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.
Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo?
Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?
Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
Sandy: Yeah.
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
Joey: Hey, kids...
Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!
Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole)
Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed)
Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!
Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]
Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.
Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we-
Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
(Ross is still taking photos)
Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches the camera)
(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
Phoebe: Hi, Max!
Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk without you.
David: Wow.
Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.(Walks off)
Phoebe: Are you alright?
David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.
David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.
Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
David: Uh, ow.
Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
David: I'll never forget you.
Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
Joey: There y'go, kids.
Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
Joey: You seen Sandy?
Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.
Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
All: (in the kitchen) What?
Rachel: The bll is drrbing!
Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.
Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses)
Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. (Makes kiss noise)
Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.
Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?
Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me.
Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes a photo) There.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]
Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.
Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

[script] Friends 1-9 Where Underdog Gets Away

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross: No, they're not.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: I am not wrong.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey: Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Joey: Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?
Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.
Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?
Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]
Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?
Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Girl: Get out.
Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.
Joey: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Joey: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang.]
Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Rachel: Saw what?
Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping.
Ross: That's closer.
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)
Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Monica: Why would we do that?
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.
Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
Monica: No I don't.
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."
Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica: Well then get it, get it!
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Monica: (angry) Joey!
Joey: That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always, uh--?
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
Susan: I felt it!
Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
Joey: Nope, not that one.
Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?
Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this.
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.
Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.
Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.
(Short pause.)
Monica: Why would I have the keys?
Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?
Monica: But I didn't.
Rachel: Well, you should have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...
Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)
Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's.
Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.
Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.
Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey: You call that delicious?
(all shouting)
Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.
[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.]
Phoebe: Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
(They all run to the window.)
Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.
[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]
Chandler: Shall I carve?
Rachel: By all means.
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:
Bladder Control ProblemStop Wife BeatingHemorrhoids?Winner of 3 Tony Awards...
He's finally happy with that and walks away.]

[script] Friends 1-8 Where Nana Dies Twice

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.)Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you.
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler: Yes please.
Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Chandler: He's a he?
Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Monica: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey: Not me.
Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops.)
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
All: Yeah! Right!
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality.
All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
(Phone rings; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. Ross, it's Nana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours.
Monica: How-how are you, Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair?
Monica: What?
Mrs. Geller: What's different?
Monica: Nothing.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.
(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside.)
Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...
Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica: Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana.]
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse.
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse: Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)
Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know.
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now.
Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the forehead.)
Ross: Bye, Nana.
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out too.)
Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!
Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..
Mrs. Geller: What?
Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room.)
Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)
Nurse: This almost never happens!
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family)
Ross: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross enter.)
Rachel: So, um, did she...
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice?
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
Joey: You guys okay?
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Ross: Nono, she's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a pencil)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (Hands back the pencil)
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Ross: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her father.]
Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
Monica: You what?
Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um-
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...
Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Shelley: What? He's cute!
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley: Is Brian...?
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.
Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What'd I say?
Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica: Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave)
All: God! Ross!
Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured.]
Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Ross: What, what is it?
Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Ross: Oh! No-n-
Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)
Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I love you the most.
Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I love the most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps across her)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability.
Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.
Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)
Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?
Monica: ...I can imagine.
Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.
Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?
Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example.
Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?
Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along.
Monica: Huh.
Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?
Monica: Oh, I think so.
Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and realises) Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours.
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)
Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old photos.]
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: Got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]
Chandler: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?
Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.
Chandler: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Chandler: So- you can tell?
Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar.
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.
Chandler: He is?
Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.